Does a parenting style even matter?

Posted on October 2, 2011 by Administrator

Permissive, strict, emotional or stoic — there’s a lot of hype about what is the best or most effective ‘parenting style’. No matter what you call it, the key to effective parenting is a solid foundation of principles, and the tools, strategies and commitment to live by them.

Parenting Styles

Whatever you believe your style to be, odds are it’s a reflection of the way you were parented.  If your parents were very strict, you may decide to be more lax.  If they rarely showed their emotions, you might share a lot of your feelings with your kids. Or you may recreate what you liked in your own upbringing.  Either way, the way we parent tends to be a reaction, not a conscious, thoughtful choice.  So how are you supposed to navigate this parenting minefield?  We joke about kids not coming with a manual … but truth be told, we’d give anything to have one.

Guess what?  You don’t need a manual.  What you do need are:

* a clear set of values

* a sincere commitment to living according to those values so you can teach by example

* tools and strategies to help you stick to your guns and teach them with love, firmness and consistency

* people who support your goals and efforts

* the ability to ask for help when you need it

Take some time to determine just what your core values are. They give you an unshakable foundation.  Your values help take the confusion out of decision-making and give your kids the skills and integrity to be prepared for life.  You are their most important teacher.  Go forth and teach!

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Plant an air conditioner… I mean, a tree.

Posted on June 9, 2011 by Administrator

New Jersey.  Tuesday, June 7.  The heat wave began today.  At 9:30pm it is still 80 degrees and humid.  The last thing I want to do is walk the dog.  But out we go, into a wall of hot air.

Wait!  We pass under a few trees and temperature is noticeably lower.  It’s at least five degrees cooler under the trees.  Nature’s air conditioning system is at work.

So bear with me as I enumerate the benefits of trees.  They provide shade, animal habitats, prevent soil erosion, purify our air and lower the temperature.  And they are just so beautiful!  It’s that simple.

Did you know that planting trees is one of the single most important things you can do to protect and heal our planet?  Here’s how you can make a difference:

Trees protect our environment

Trees - a legacy for our children

1)  Plant a tree, or two, or three on your property.

2) Advocate for your town to participate in Tree City, USA (a program of the Arbor Day Foundation.

3)  Make a contribution to the Arbor Day Foundation.

4)  Support organizations such as the Nature Conservancy.      Donate to buy up or preserve an acre of rain forest.

5)  Encourage others to do the same.

You owe it to yourself and your children.  Do it now.

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Parenting your teen: let go and let them grow

Posted on May 30, 2011 by Administrator

Child psychologist, Dr. Haim Ginott, says that our teenagers struggle between needing us and needing to break away.  This struggle is just as real for parents, as roles and responsibilities change for everyone during adolescence. Why is separation so difficult for parents, and how does it impact both parents and children?

We need to be needed. Our life as a parent has been about nurturing and protecting.  It is difficult to imagine the day that our children will leave our nest.  We have lovingly and selflessly provided for them all these years, and it is time for them to march into their own future.  It is less about us, and more about their transition from childhood to adulthood.

We step in to rescue our children. We are afraid they will make a mistake, or two, or three and we jump in to fix it.  Yes, sometimes they will fail and we must let it happen.  They need to experience life and consequences if they are to grow up.  We cannot do it for them.

 

Teenagers must gradually be allowed to take charge of their own life. Ready or not, they will soon be out on their own.  Parents have to begin the process of letting go so their teens can work on the life skills and attitudes they will need to survive and thrive.

Parents, it is time to step into your future, too. While you never stop being a parent, it is time to add new dimensions to your life.  Who were you before your children came along?  What dreams did you put on hold?  Who will you be when they leave?  Holding on too long will stunt their growth and yours.  So unclench that fist that is holding on tight to the parental reins and start to let go.  And remember, as their primary teacher, when you go after your dreams you are showing your kids how it’s done.

Letting go isn’t easy, but the benefits are priceless.  Give space so your teens can begin separating from you, and you from them.  Make it clear that you believe they are capable of doing for themselves and handling what life brings.  Show them that you have an identity and purpose beyond them, and they can move on, guilt-free.  They, and you, will step into tomorrow with excitement and self-confidence.

(For more resources on letting go of your kids and taking hold of your own life,  sign up for 10 Tips for Raising Your Teen and Maintaining Your Sanity at  www.familymatterscoach.com.)

 

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Perfection: why the ideal image isn’t ideal

Posted on May 22, 2011 by Administrator

Are you uncomfortable with that statement?  It’s understandable. After all, we are pushed to perfection in the media, in books, and by the “experts”.  It’s good to strive to make things better.  But that ideal image can also steer you way off course.

Life is not predictable.  Whether it’s people, emotions, events or the weather, much of what happens around you is beyond your control. The skills you develop for reacting and responding, for being creative and resilient… these are what take you from good to better.

Sometimes the problem is in the interpretation of the words ‘perfect’ and ‘ideal’.  If they mean free from conflict, struggle and disappointment, then you are bound to be disappointed.  If they are tied to ‘should, must or ought to’ you will be disillusioned.

Let’s take a look at some of the areas in your life where an unrealistic use of the ideal image can get in the way.

1)  Work – (This is targeted more to the young adults in your life.) By all means go after the job that best fits you and your talents. Satisfaction in work is meaningful, energizing and makes you nicer to be around.  But — don’t let the ideal image keep you from working! Honest work (even if it isn’t what you love) gives you a reason to get up every day and be productive (as well as bring home that paycheck).  Holding out for the perfect job will really drag you down.

Striving for perfection can backfire

2)  Holidays – Do you have a Hallmark picture of how the holidays should look?  Are you trying to recreate your childhood?  If you hold on to that vision, and become rigid in how the day unfolds, the dream can turn into a nightmare.  Talk to your family about it. What would they enjoy?  Think about what’s really important to you.  Is it the image or the time together?  Is it perfection or the memories and traditions you create?  Agree on a couple of older family traditions and create some new ones.

3)  Family and children – Families are messy and noisy.  Even on a good day it’s a juggling act. We are not the Huxtables on the Cosby Show.  If you are always hoping for the ‘ideal’ family, you will be increasingly frustrated and angry.  And make no mistake, what goes around comes around.  Your family will pick up on your frustration and they will become edgier.  And so the cycle continues, as you stray farther and farther from being the family you dream of.  Step back.  Talk about what’s working, and what’s not.  What one thing can be done, what small, realistic step can be taken to improve the situation?  Who do you need to ask for help (within your family, or from a professional)?

It’s important to dream.  And it’s important to keep your eye on the bigger picture.  When all is said and done, you want healthy relationships and habits in your life.  Let go of the image of perfection, and take hold of what matters most.

(To take your family to a ‘better’ place… www.familymatterscoach.com for programs and services )

 

 

 

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A ‘gooder’ day? Where have the role models gone?

Posted on May 20, 2011 by Administrator

Some time ago I saw an ad for Gain laundry detergent.  It was all right until the words ‘gooder day’ were spoken.  Have a ‘gooder day’?  I would have had a better day if the English language hadn’t been deliberately mangled.

I rarely write letters to express my opinion; however, as a parent and a teacher I couldn’t let this one slip by.  So I wrote to P&G.  They responded with the following:

“Thanks for your comments and concern.  We chose to use the word Good’er for a dramatic effect. This was an attempt to play off of the expression “Have a Good Morning”.  We believe that families and companies should be doing all they can to promote education.  The process of doing laundry can often be a boring, monotonous process. The Gain team is hoping to make this process just a little bit more fun, and this is often demonstrated in the advertising.”

Not only are they promoting incorrect grammar, now we are being told that even laundry should be fun…. I don’t even know where to begin.  Suffice it to say that not everything needs to be fun.  Some things just need to be done.

If we are looking for role models, we certainly aren’t finding them on Madison Avenue. Well, at least not in this ad.  It’s one of the ‘badder’ examples I’ve seen in a while.

What are your thoughts?

*Fern Weis is a coach for parents of teenagers, on a mission to find and develop inspiring role models for our kids.  For more information on parenting programs, visit www.familymatterscoach.com.

 

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From high school to 4-year college? Think again.

Posted on May 19, 2011 by Administrator

High School Graduation

Is college the next step?

An article appeared in Education Today by Suzanne Schaffer, “Taking the non-traditional route after high school graduation”.  Schaffer offers several options besides the four-year college plan:  take a gap year, go to a community college, consider starting a business or enlist in the military.  (Read the complete article at http://bit.ly/fZjiJS for a thorough discussion of these options.)

As a parent, teacher and coach, I have seen too many students  go right into a four-year program, ready or not.  I understand the pressure that parents feel to have their kids be like everyone else.  We don’t want to feel different, unless it is a difference that we can brag about.   What we need to remember is that it’s not about us.  The decisions about post-secondary education must be about our children, and what is in their best interest.

Some students are academically not ready for college or living away from home.  Others are emotionally not ready.  If you have a child who has underachieved, made dangerous choices or given you ‘the business’ for the past few years, odds are he or she will not be functioning optimally in college either.  That’s a generalization, I know.  But if you are feeling anxious about your child most of the time, college is the least of your worries.

I know what I’m talking about — we went through it with our son.   At one point we didn’t think he’d even graduate high school, so thinking about college was unrealistic, ridiculous really.  The point here is that from the time they are born, we have an image about how our children’s lives will go.  If you identify with this scenario, please, let go of the image.  It’s time to give your children what they need, not what you want for them.

I would love to hear your feedback on this.  Please share your comments below.

 

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Helping Teens Learn to Problem-Solve

Posted on May 18, 2011 by Administrator

Do you find yourself fighting the urge to say to your teen,  “Been there, done that.  Let me show you how it’s done”?  I do, too… although looking back to my younger days, I can honestly say that I learned the most when I had to solve things myself.

(On a personal note, my children were amazed to hear that when I studied abroad during my junior year of college, I was only able to call home three times. There were no cell phones, no computers or email, and it cost $40 for a 20-minute phone call, which I had to make from the post office.  Even though the program was well-supervised, I had lots of decisions to make and challenges to meet. No mom or dad to rely on, no instant feedback… and it was the most amazing and growth-filled year of my life!)

It takes so much time to explain and guide and teach. You may feel it’s faster and more efficient to take care of it yourself.  In the short-term, being pressed for time and patience, you want to step in and do it yourself; however, if you do, you will be raising a child who

* doesn’t know how to problem-solve.
* runs to you to fix everything.
* cannot function independently.
* cannot be depended upon to accomplish tasks.
* has low self-esteem.

Now consider the long-term picture. What do you see fifteen years down the road? Most parents I talk to say they want their children to be confident, self-sufficient, happy and successful. For that to happen, they need the opportunity to grow. This requires parents who are able to step back and let their children experience life.  Here are some tips to help you on this path.

* As always, take a breath and think – Whose problem is it? If it’s not an issue of health or safety, consider whether you need to be part of it.
* Your child will make mistakes. Most mistakes are not fatal, but they are necessary to become confident and competent.
* Express confidence that your teen can come up with a solution.
* Offer to be available to help (not to do it for them).
* Teach him/her how to problem-solve. Some first steps are:
- Brainstorm and narrow down possible action steps.
- Evaluate how realistic the possibilities are.
- Set a time frame for action.
* Listen carefully. Accept and acknowledge feelings.

It is said that we are born with all the abilities, wisdom and potential we need to take us through life. Trust that this is true for your child, too. You’ve been responsible for a long time for all aspects of his well-being.  Help him tap into his innate potential to care for himself and find his own solutions.

For  your free report, “Ten Tips for Parenting Your Teen and Maintaining Your Sanity”,  visit www.familymatterscoach.com

Posted in Parenting | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments